A Gift from My Love

Boy are my blog fans in luck today! A double blog edition! And for this post, you can thank my dear Miss Amelia!

When Mom got home from work, there was a knock at the door. I was already on my perch monitoring the goings on outside (see below) - when I spied the Fedex man. I like the Fedex man, as opposed to the mailman - 'cos he often brings me gifts!



When Mom came in and I saw the box, I could smell my Miss Amelia and I knew instinctively that it was from her! Quick as a flash, I did a jig.
Then I followed Mom to the kitchen to get the cutting knife and back to the couch for the official gift opening! As soon as the box was open, I stuck my snout inside to see what she'd sent!



Inside was this awesome green and purple plush tug-o-war toy that makes a noise when you shake it! I love it! (How I wish Miss Amelia was on the other end to play with me. *sigh*)



Which is more than I can say for the box of Frontline...I can't eat or chew it...I guess Miss Amelia wants her lover to be germ free and healthy? For goodness sakes Miss Amelia, don't you remember that it's me? I eat condoms for good measure! Well, the Frontline was a tad boring...although Mom and Dad were very impressed. What impressed me was the big bag of treats! I jumped about until Mom opened the bag and let me sample a few. They were delish!

Thank you my darling Miss Amelia. I will accept this as an early Valentine gift.
You will be my Valentine, won't you? (Please don't tell Luci, Gracie, Daisy or the other bitches...)

AGC

Post Game Blog

I know you are all thinking I'm a lazy ol' bugger for not blogging after the SuperBowl, but I'll have you know, that last night while Mom was soaking in the tub (her only refuge from yours truly), I snuck into the computer room and wrote a long and rather hilarious blog post. How was I to know that Blogger was doing maintenance work...I clicked publish and wham! Lost it all. I felt like tearing my hair out in the agony of it - but I do not self strip, I leave that to Mom. So here I go, trying to re-concoct a fine piece of writing...

I for one am mighty relieved that the Super Bowl is over. That Battle of the Bitches, frankly, made me rather uptight. I like bitches fighting over ME, not oversized humans in shoulderpads and sleek leggings. And to be honest, I sort of slipped into a coma three minutes into the game...

I awoke with a heck of a start to see that old git Mick Jagger wiggling his osteoporotic hips on stage in the half time show. It's one thing creating a fuss over seeing Janet Jackson's right boobie on stage, I think it is far more irresponsible of the networks to allow a group of elderly, decrepit has-beens into our living rooms. I tell you I nearly had a stroke when I saw Jagger's scary looking visage. The Rolling Stones should be hidden away in some elder facility crocheting antimacassars, not prancing about on stage where they might just break a hip!

Anyway, after my initial shock, I managed to slip back into my sleep until I was awakened by a very far off shriek of joy emanating from Daisy and Coco. It was then that I knew the Steelers had won. My immediate concern was for poor Miss Amelia. I worried that the defeat of her beloved Sea Hawks might be too much for her frail heart, I couldn't bear the though of her on Zoloft for the rest of her life, battling the slings of hideous depression.

As proof of our spiritual bond, our house phone rang at the ungodly hour of 11:30 PM (someone forgot there was a time difference between coasts!). And would you know, it was Amelia's Daddy calling to allay my fears. The brave Amelia was taking the loss in her stride and had not clawed out anyones eyes (yet). The relief was tremendous! Poor Mom could hardly hear a word that Amelia's Daddy said because I had chewed the phone antenna. Eek.

Speaking of phones, on Sunday Mom and Dad came home with 2 brand new cellphones for me! They were in bright red boxes bearing the name Verizon. And they were in enticing chewy leather cases. For some reason that I cannot fathom, they keep placing them on the top of the bookshelf where clearly they realize I cannot get to them. All very confusing.

AGC

The Eve of the Mighty Bowl

Bzzzzz Bzzzz - I am a Wire on a Buzz my friends! I'm a Wire on Fire. A Dog in a Fog. A Manic Caninic. I exceeded all bounds of naughtiness today. I managed to open Mom's purse when she was napping and boy did I hit the jackpot! A chocolate caramel pecan brownie! Just lying there in plastic casing with my name written all over it. After I polished that off, I ate Mom's lipstick and half her black eyeliner - but their taste paled in comparison to the brownie.

Mom had a cadenza when she came downstairs. I've never heard her yell like that before. I had to take cover under the table - she was that postal! By that time, the brownie was in my tum and the sugar buzz had begun, so although I wanted to be good, I just couldn't be! Suffice as to say (I'll spare you all the Mommy Dearest moments), I was bad and Mom was MAD!

Poor deluded Mom thought a walk would calm me down. Well, I was taking a poop when the turd got stuck...so Mom in all her goodness, kneeled down, hand in poop bag to help extricate the poop from my bum. I don't dig having a hand near my rear end, so I bolted, forgetting Mom was tethered to me. She kind of landed on her belly, in the mud, scraped knees and all. It's a good thing we dogs laugh internally 'cos Mom was now livid - the accumulation of the days events I guess. I've never seen her so glad to see Dad when he walked through the door. I believe she said, "Here, take him, or I'm going to stangle the bugger."

Anyway, on to more imporant things, tomorrow is the Superbowl. As predicted, Daisy did offer a comeback to Alexandra's awesome display of SeaHawk fandom. Here she is decked out head to paw in Steeler gear:

Nice try Daisy!

But the ever clever Savage gals, Alexandra and Miss Amelia, have recruited CoCo, son of Pat, to their pro SeaHawks team. The lengths these girls will go! Check out CoCo's Seahawk hat and jumper! The hat makes you look a bit dorkish mate...CoCo wrote to me that, "We have been invited to a Super Bowl overnight party. I'm pretty excited as I will get to play with my brother Jake. We have to get busy now and make him a jumper to wear. I'm also bringing the Bloody Mary's whatever that is." A party! Lucky you dude - any bitches invited? Could Bloody Mary be a bitch? She doesn't sound too attractive - much as I dig the reek of a bitch on heat, I think I'd pass on this one. Why don't you invite Alexandra and Miss Amelia instead?



So I know...you're all waiting for my prediction. My prediction, alas, is that if I don't back the SeaHawks, Miss Amelia will rip my heart out with those talons of hers. I know, I sound like a bitch-whipped wuss...but what can a guy do? Miss Amelia's prediction is SeaHawks 27; Steelers 20. I'll go one better. SeaHawks 36; Steelers -15.

Ok, I can't type anymore, this buzz is killing me. I gotta run downstairs and cause more havoc! Good luck everyone - May the best team win.
Miss Amelia's team that is.

AGC

An Expensive Bath

Boy, the battle of the bitches is reaching fever pitch! Just when we thought Daisy had proven her ardor and belief in the Steelers, along comes Alexandra with this piece of fandom:


I have to wonder how she got up there, I suspect Daddy Phillip threw her on top of the church sign in a Seahawk cheer! Here dear readers we see the epitome of America in the flesh: Sports and Religion - the fuel that drives the nation. Let's face it, with the current fuel prices, what else is going to do the job?

I wonder what counterstrike Daisy will engineer. Hmm, perhaps herself donned in a Papal Steelers robe? Daisy standing in Mecca in full Steelers regalia. (Maybe not, I'd hate her to get crushed in one of those Hajjs). Drape the Western Wall in a Steeler's Dirty Towel (bordering on sacreligious!) ?She has but one day to come up with her rebuttal, or I fear the Seahawks with Alexandra and Miss Amelia cheering them on, might just take the Bowl!

Speaking of Bowls - I had a request from Mackie to add another tasty treat to my SuperBowl Extra Large - a few chewable socks. You got it buddy! And I know you never asked, but because I dig you and your blog - I'm even going to throw in a dead squirrel, a real stinky one like the one your Dad confiscated last year. I'm such a generous fella, that I'm even going to share my Bowl with you!


I have a new friend to introduce who cares more for golf than for football, at least that is what he tells me. "My name's Bogie because we live on a golf course in NW Illinois." Not sure I get the connection. I think Golf would be second on my most boring sport list after football. Grown men whacking defenseless balls into sand and water and holes? And all that walking and shlepping in between. And they call it a sport?

Anyway, Bogie is 6 months old, and also had his own balls whacked off recently. He also had his first "stripping" session. Poor guy, stripping can be a bit painful, but I love it when Mom rakes me with the stripping tool and pulls out bundles of my hair (and then I try to eat it!) Welcome aboard Bogie man! The pic on the left is Bogie post strip, and on the right, Bogie as a wee pup.



I can hear Mom shaking the box of matches - that is my cue to run down stairs and partake in the lighting of the shabbat candles. But before I go, I wanted to tell you Mom got me washed professionally today 'cos this morning I rolled in mud, and Mom couldn't face washing me alone - so off I went rather begrudgingly. I came out smelling glorious and looking so wonderful, some lady mistook me for a SCOTTISH terrier. She must have been blind of loony! Mom laughed right in her face! That was after wincing at the grooming bill - $36 for a wash! Mom pays less for her own wash AND haircut. I have a feeling I won't be going back there again. Heh heh.

AGC

It's All in the Timing

Well it seems that I really started something with the "Battle of the Bitches". As if to prove the Steeler's predominance, Daisy went beserk and sent me these pics of her in various Steeler's gear, in front of the TV and on her Steeler's dogbed. When Mom was perusing the pics, she sighed thankfully that the Eagles had had such an abominable season this year! At least she saved money on merchandise for me!



Speaking of bitches, I'm not sure Luci gives a shit about the Superbowl, she is more concerned about her good looks. A few days ago she got groomed. How lucky is she, her groomer lady comes to her HOUSE, bathes her and clips her. No horrid visits to the groomers amongst all the riff raff of the canine world. Doesn't she look cute?



I read a revolting article today in the New York Times about Colombian drug smugglers who sewed pouches of heroin into the belly's of innocent golden retriever puppies hoping to ship them to the USA and thus get the drugs through customs. What kind of sick, evil people would do this to a bunch of sweet little puppies? Thankfully the authorities busted the ring and saved all but 3 of the pups who died from infection to their stomach wounds. Reminds me of Mengele experiments at Auschwitz when he would sew live animals into human stomachs to see how quickly they would be eaten alive from the inside...

Ok, this is getting too heavy. I just can't help it, stuff like that shakes me to my wiry core!

By the way, today is Groundhog Day. I tried to Google it, but I still can't fully comprehend what it is all about. How could a silly creature that looks like a rat escapee from an obesity clinic tell how close Spring is? I've never heard of gifted vermin? And what a name he has, I'm glad I can't talk, 'cos I sure as hell would not be able to pronounce Punxsutawney Phil. Only Phil I can handle is Dr. Phil or Amelia's daddy Phillip!

Mom sat me down and told me that I was to be a good boy for a few hours every evening because she was going to finally sit down and start to write her "book". I gave her a vacant stare as she explained that her dream was to write a book, be "discovered" and featured on Oprah. It was one of those awkward moments really, where I wish I could have spoken or at least laughed out loud! Mom has wanted to write her book for about 15 years, and now 4 months from her wedding, she tells me in earnest that NOW she is going to write it. Now that is what I call GREAT timing! All she'll tell me about the secret project (well secret no more since I just blogged it to my million fans) is the title: Confessions of a Human Toothpick (in the midst of a Revolution).

Oh and speaking of toothpicks, my Grandad Abe in SA will be pleased to hear that both Mom and I floss our teeth every night! Mom does hers first and then she stretches the floss over my mouth and moves it between my teeth. It tickles, but I love the fresh minty taste!

AGC

SUPERBOWL XL - BATTLE OF THE BITCHES

So I guess everyone is in a tizzy about the Superbowl this Sunday! Our house is not in a football frenzy - though we are in a perpetual Foxie Frenzy..heh heh. I like to keep things exciting! Dad is (Mom says, Thank God) not a great sports enthusiast and Mom being from a Colonialist Empire - is fond of soccer and cricket, and doesn't even understand how football works. To quote her recently, "I just don't see the bloody point of overweight men in shoulderpads, bashing into eachother, running 5 inches and then stopping? I mean what sort of a stupid bloody sport is that? Stop, start. Stop, start. What a complete bore!"

Mom doesn't mince her words you notice. When Dad does watch the odd game, she huffs and puffs that he is hogging the TV, and goes ballistic when the TV says there are 3 minutes left of the 4th quarter but it invariably takes 3 hours for the game to end!

So in my household, noone gives a hoot whether the Steelers or the SeaHawks win on Sunday. Secretly, I don't care either...but I have to pretend to be a SeaHawks fan to stay in Miss Amelia's good books. You see she and her mom Alexandra are natives of Washington State, and therefore huge SeaHawks fans. Nearer to home, my other bitchy pal Daisy, is a big Steelers fan. So you see my dilemma...I have to feign support for both teams, but because I am petrified of Miss Amelia's long nails, I am rooting more for her team! Nothing like the fear of having your eyes ripped out to keep you cheering! So let the battle of the bitches begin! Here are Daisy and Alexandra in their team helmets (looking rather sexy I might add!). Amelia refused to don a helmet lest it mess up her hair.



Now, dear reader, you may ask, "Axel, what is your dream outcome for the Super Bowl? How do you envisage it in your dreams?" Well friends, allow this picture I put together to sum it all up for me:



Now THAT dear friends, is what I call a SUPER BOWL!
Bring it on!

AGC

Creative Irritants

I have a new behavior I concocted to drive Mom nuts. Heh heh.

When she takes me for a walk now, I insist on running up and down the stairs of every house like Wee Willy Winkie...She gets pretty irritated, it is most amusing! My aim is to come up with some new irritating behavior every week at least.

Did I tell you that I had my neutering vet check up a few days ago? So the vet lady asked Mom and Dad, how is he healing. Mom said she really didn't know as she didn't know how my groin area was supposed to look. So the vet lady whips out a pad and pen and starts sketching my penis and balls and shows Mom how they commit a neutering. An artist she was not....but Dad looked embarrassed!

The weather has turned foul again...it's so unfair of G-d to give us a beautiful day like yesterday and then a horrid one like today. I't's cold and wet!

And now for a joke: What do you call a cold dog on a rabbit?
Answer: A chilli dog on a bun!

I hear Mom making dinner...I need to run downstairs and beg...
Laters!

AGC

Looking for Love in the Year of the Dog

I wanted to get to the computer earlier, but Mom has been hogging the machine all evening, and during the day I was pooped 'cos I had to bark all night! It gets tiring! Also, I was still recovering from my playdate with Luci, and then Sunday evening we went to Gran and Gramps for dinner. Let me rephrase: Mom and Dad got dinner. All I got were a few lousy Milkbones and the odd carrot. And when I didn't show much interest in either, they look at me as if to say, "Axel - why on earth don't you eat your carrots and milkbones?" Um, let me see if I can explain this succinctly. I get to eat carrots and Milkbones - and you get meatballs? Would you want to trade?

I didn't think so.

And then they have the temerity to gorge on chocolate cake, and I have to hear that tiresome bull about chocolate being toxic for dogs. If that ain't the biggest bobba meise (Yiddish for Old Wives Tale - for a complete Yiddish glossary you can click here) I ever heard!** Humans will make up anything to curtail our hedonistic pleasures. (Do I have to remind you that I had my balls removed recently?!)

Despite my diminished manhood, the bitches are still crazy for me. Miss Amelia sent me this photo of herself in an early bid to snag me as her Valentine...



Some of my wiry friends have their sights set cross-species! I mean doesn't it look like Moira over here is all starry eyed for this goat! Not that there is anything wrong with loving a goat mind you, some of my best friends are goats...(Ok, so I'm lying...but if I ever had the privilege of meeting one, I'm sure we'd be pals!)



Other wiry friends of mine, seek out love in strange places! Pippin (left) and Buddy Wiser (right) seem to think that their lovers reside underground and need to be dug out of their hiding places. Could this be another cross-species affair? This time with moles? Those horrid little blind black things? Horrors!




And then there are those Wires who only dream of finding the love of their life. Alexandra (left) is so intent on finding her love, she sleepwalks while doing it. My poor Miss Amelia (who is Alexandra's daughter) - it must be frightening seeing your Mother transmogrify into a Zombie! And then there is dear old Boozle (right), who looks snug and happy as he dreams about his dream wiry gal.





By the way, I just remembered that I forgot to wish all my friends a Happy Year of the Dog which began on Sunday! The Chinese are an odd people - on the one hand they are at the forefront of the horrible dog fur trade, and on the other, they honor us by naming the year after our species. Frankly, I don't get it.

By the way, for all you wires looking for love in other species - I read here that, "The most compatible match for a Dog is the Tiger or the Horse."
Sorry. No goats or moles!

AGC


** Note: Chocolate is the third most common cause of poisoning in dogs.
Axel is talking out of that orifice on his body that emits steaming poopy logs.
Signed,
Mother

(Yes, I hacked the blog again. Someone has to curb Axel's penchant for exaggeration and downright lies!)

I Love Luci!

I don't usually blog on shabbat, but I have to make an exception today! Boy am I pooped. It's taking every ounce of wiry energy I have left to write this post.

What a swell day I had today! I finally got to meet Luci - a 2 year old wiry bitch about an hours drive from my house. Luci lives with her Mom Kathy, Dad Ed and her big brother in a lovely house with a BIG yard that even has a pool! We had a blast together (now now Miss Amelia, try not to get too jealous...I would visit you if you didn't live on the other side of the world!) running around in the yard... the weather was sunny and warm!









Then believe it or not, Luci morphed into Lucifer and very naughtily (ignoring the shrieks of her Mom), she decided to jump into the pool which was full of dirty water and ice! I was a well behaved boy and heeded Dad's warning not to jump in after her! Once she got out, the lucky gal got a toweling massage from her Mom:





After a while, we came inside and tore through the house - Luci continually tried to snap at me and growled a lot, but I didn't take her seriously, I know she was just flirting! It was great inside cos Luci's Mom gave us lots of treats and Dingos! And we got to jump on the furniture!





It was sad saying bye-bye to Luci, I resisted getting into the car to go home...but Luci's Mom invited us back in the summer to enjoy a BBQ (did I hear Omaha steak?) and a swim in the pool! I can't wait!

AGC

My Favorite Things

Let's get the weekend off to a musical start! Here is my special rendition of one of my most loved songs. So grab your foxie friend and sing along!


Treats in my closet,



And food in my bowl,



Digging in couches, and making big holes,



Playing with Gracie, running in rings,



These are a few of my favorite things.

When my Dingo bones dry out,



When I tire of my toy box,



When I'm feeling like a manic WF-Tee...

I simply remember my favorite things,
and then I'm happy as can be!

Enjoy your weekend! I'm off to the vet tomorrow for my check up post neutering, and then finally, to meet Luci and Mom Kathy in Landsdale for a playdate!

AGC

Guilt Elicits Treats!

Mom must be wracked with guilt...she's been giving me Dingoes, MilkBones and livertreats like it's going out of fashion. I guess it's time to forgive her for hacking into my blog and move on. We Wires are very forgiving canines.

Dad went to Petsmart yesterday and came home with bags of stuff for me. Mom and Dad go nuts at pet stores, they just can't resist buying me stuff. I got an 18-pack box of Dingoes! Man I wish I had thumbs - just think I could open the closet door while they are at work, and help myself to as many chews and treats as I like. If I was just a little taller I could use my mouth...maybe I could push the stepladder over there...yes! What a brilliant plan!

I got a funny pic from my pal Colby in Winnipeg yesterday. It looks like he's discovered a new planet or something. Check out his expression! I would love to play with a ball as big as that...I wonder if it is like a balloon - I enjoy biting balloons and hearing them POP!



I guess I'm quite unusual in that way...I am not at all afraid of loud noises! Last night there was the biggest thunderstorm - thunder and lightening, and I stood bravely at the window and barked and barked, daring it to come inside. Once again I seem to have pissed off Mom and Dad. I just can't win. I'll tell you one sound I cannot tolerate, and that is having to watch that stupid American Idol audition television program. Most of the contestants are ugly and can't sing, they hurt my ears. But Mom insists on watching that drivel, and I guess it is still better than hearing Dad's inane playstation games.

AGC

A Wire's Defense

Well I never. Can you believe this? My very own Mother, my flesh and blood...oh hang on...that's not exactly true, is it? But you get my drift don't you? My own Mother has hacked into my blog, stolen my password, and made a mockery of me on my own blog? I am one livid Wire. I am never going to speak to her again. Oh shit, there we go again. I can't speak. Damn.

Anyway, I have a defense for each allegation - in fact just this morning I emailed Alan Dershowitz for his legal opinion. He told me I had a very good case!

1. Regarding the cellphone: Mom left it lying on MY couch with some wire attached to it. Doesn't she know Wire Fox Law #284: Any object residing in my domain, is MINE, and I can do what I want with it. The phone was in my territory, and I acted accordingly. Besides, I knew you and Dad were looking into a family plan with new phones anyway...

2. Regarding the barking allegations. Duh. I'm a dog. I bark. And hear this Mom. Dogs hear noises up to 45 kHz, while humans only hear sounds up to about 23 kHz. So you may think I'm barking for no reason, but trust me, there are evil things outside that I can hear and you can't! I am barking to tell them to not come in and harm US! You should be bloody grateful that I bark and shower me with liver treats!

3. Regarding jumping on the coffee table. What can I say? I don't really dig being so small...I like to be able to look into your eyes sometimes Mom and Dad and see what is going on there. When I stand on the coffee table, I am at the perfect level to see you while you are watching TV. And as for grabbing stuff off that table...well, I'm really just helping you to clean up. Empty Coke bottles and napkins shouldn't be there in the first place. Mom, you are not the greatest housekeeper, even Dad says so. And the fact that you grew up in South Africa with servants is becoming a rather pathetic excuse!

4. Regarding table surfing and "stealing" stuff like hats, gloves, bills and wallets. Listen here. I can't talk. Right? So how would you like me to tell you that I need to go out for a piss or a poop. I take your hats and gloves as my way of communicating, "put these damn things on NOW, I need to go out!" Is it my fault if you don't get it? Do you know what it's like trying to hold in a poop? It's not pleasant. So try be a bit more sensitive to my gentle hints! And as for bills and wallets - well, um...I was just reminding Dad that his Capitol One bill was almost due - if I shred it he will be forced to go online to look at his due date! And as for your wallet Mom, I guess I mistook your greens for greenies. My mistake. Mea culpa.

5. And finally, regarding burying my bones in MY couch while Dad happens to be stretched out thereon...see #1!

I rest my case. I sick of us Wires being labelled as terrierists and manic lunatics. There is method to all our "assumed" madness. It's the humans that have the problem.

AGC
Feeling extremely vindicated and smug!

A Mother's Revenge!

I interrupt this blog with a message from Axel's Mother. Axel will probably be super pissed off that I hacked into his blog account and stole his password, but quite frankly, I don't give a hoot.
Axel cannot blog today because he is being punished for being a very naughty boy! The litany of charges against him list as follows:

1. Chewed Mother's cellphone - broke off and ate antenna, and left a litany of teeth marks all over the phone. See evidence below.



2. Barked from 11PM-1AM while Mom and Dad were trying to sleep

3. Jumped onto the coffee table at least 5 times in one evening, each time making an attempt to grab object thereon including napkins, glass of Coke, Coke bottle and mobile home phone.



4. Table surfed repeatedly - each time stealing something including Dad's Capital One bill, gloves, hat, Mom's wallet etc...



5. Tried to bury bone in Dad's back while he was trying to catch up on sleep as a result of charge listed in #2.



As no amounts of yelling, spanking, threatening with crating, squirts from the water pistol, begging and pleading have gotten through to our wiry guy - we have to resort to extreme means like this -- wire fox grounding and denial of access to computer.

There is no telling what the incorrigible hound will do to us when he discovers that I have hacked into his blog - either report me to Amnesty International with allegations or cruel or unusual punishment or devour some more precious objects around the house?

God Help Us!

Mom