Tuesday, December 20, 2005

All I want for Christmas/Hanukkah is a "red furry scrotum!"

So Mom has been a bit huffy of late, disgruntled with certain things that characterize life in America. Such things as MTV's My Super Sweet Sixteen program where we see spoilt teens enjoying $200,000 birthday parties (I swear sometimes I think she is about to throw something at the TV!). Or the craziness around the holiday season, where she sees people who obviously do not have loads of cash, going nuts on their purchases, getting into debt. When she sees these things I have to bear with her mutterings and exclamations. It gets a wee bit irritating.

Anyway, so her latest peeve, is the pervasiveness of Christmas everywhere - and the absence of Hanukkah. On Sunday she went from store to store seeking Hanukkah decorations for the house (she insists on joining in this weird American custom of dressing the house up for the holidays), and came back with NOTHING. All she found was a roll of boring gift wrap. Anyway, not to be deterred, she set about cutting out dreidl shapes in the gift wrap and sticking them on the windows facing the street (where I can not reach them, naturally. Oh yee of little trust). I think Dad thought she was bonkers, but he humored her and helped her to reach the high spots with tape.

I decided to do my bit for holiday decor, so I took my spongy ball Mom brought me from work (it's a marketing giveaway for her org), and I set about diligently making holiday confetti out of it. I did a splendid job! Mom sure didn't appreciate it though...with in minutes, out came that loud, obnoxious machine - it must have been very hungry, 'cos it gobbled up all my blue confetti and I haven't seen it since! Bloody unfair, all that hard work for nothing!

Oh, before I forget, I have to tell you that I wowed everyone at training last night! Wendy the trainer said I was a very good boy and didn't even add her favorite bit, "for a terrier!". You should have seen her face when I went down on command. Mom was beaming too! So to all those ignorant farts who think fox terriers are untrainable, I say, "Phooey on YOU"!! And by the way, it was not easy to be so obedient last night because Stella the Italian Spinone pup was a a hair away from being on heat! She is being spayed today! So it was very distracting to say the least, me being such an intact, virile, young man!

So, I have a few more festive photos of my pals...I'm still hoping to get one of a Wire in front of a menorah, but maybe I'll get Dad to photograph me on the weekend when we start our candle-lighting. Unlike Mom, I am a very tolerant dude, it bothers me not that there are a profusion of Christmas pictures and a total lack of Hanukkah ones!(By the way, I spotted a lot of potatoes and onions in the kitchen - I'm hoping latkes are on Mom's mind! I did hear her grumbling about having to wait until the wedding to get her food processor - apparently grating potatoes and onions isn't such fun!). Here are our pals Colby (left) and Brandy & Nicky (right). Boy they look great! I wonder if those stockings will be filled with tasty treats!!?

You know, some folks think I'm a bit weird because of my curly tail, but I found a soulmate in Denmark by the name of Teddy who also has a curly tail! The good news is I don't feel so weird anymore, the bad news is that I am no longer unique! His Mom Kitty (fancy having a human Mom named Kitty!) says he was born with the kinky tail, unlike me who was born with a straight one. Teddy is 5 years old and has an older sister named Aimee who is 6 years old (right). What a cute pair, obviously NOTHING is rotten in the state of Denmark (I've been reading up on Shakespeare in my spare time). Looks like poor Aimee got caught in a meteor shower!

I also want to introduce my friends Danny and Suzie's newish little sibling Molly. She is just 4 months old. What a sweetie she is... Hmm, I quite fancy her! (Sorry Ms Amelia but I do dig the younger bitches)

Speaking of Shakespeare, I read this phrase today - "if music be the food of love, play on..." Now I'm not 100% what that means...but it seems to suggest what we wires already know - that we LOVE food! And we will go to amazing lengths to get it - especially if it isn't dog food! Check out my mate Terry virtually standing on his head to eat the crumbs out of his human sibling's high chair! Man, he cracks me up! But I'm pretty bad too...anytime Mom or Dad are in the kitchen, there I am, patiently waiting for something to "fall" at my feet. For some reason that is unfathomable to me, this seems to irritate Mom no end. In addition to everything else she moans about, she often mumbles, "oh I miss those days of being able to eat a snack in peace!" Mom sure can be a stingy cow sometimes!

Finally, a note to all my neutered dog friends reading my blog. You may want to add one more thing to your Christmas/Chanukah gift list: Neuticles

What you may ask is that? Why fake dog testicles of course! I kid you not:

"The prosthetic dog testicles serve absolutely no functional purpose other than perhaps to soothe an owner's guilty conscience (despite Miller's claim they do wonders for a dog's self-esteem.) Since 1995, more than 150,000 animal owners - mostly dog owners, but some cat, horse and bull owners, as well - have ordered Neuticles, ringing up $16 million in sales. " According to the owner of Roger, a neutered retriever: "He has a cute, little, red furry scrotum." (And for Christmas, does he have a matching Santa Claus hat?)

Uh-hum (clear throat). Well okay. Maybe Mom will add this to her list of insane, ridiculous, things that characterize life in America. I may just agree with her on this one (then again, I still have my balls!)