Monday, February 27, 2006

Fellow Wiry Bloggers

Hey Everyone! Hope you all had a swell weekend. Mine was pretty good, but I would have frozen my balls off in the frigid weather, if I had any. Mom and Dad still took me for walks, but I had to wear my coat, and poor Mom and Dad were in so many layers they could barely move. During the mornings however, I did manage to find a cosy spot in the sunshine on Mom and Dad's bed. I look rather scruffy in the picture, I need a good stripping...but Mom and Dad are too goddarn lazy and keep using the excuse that I need every hair on my body for warmth in winter:

So Mom had her TV debut last night on WYBE in "Growing up under Apartheid." When she came onto the TV she buried her head in the sofa cushion and turned tomato red. She kept peeking and making disparaging remarks about herself ("oh God my nose!", "I look so stiff", "in that poncho I look like I have no arms" etc), which ticked me off, cos I was trying to just come to terms with seeing two Moms in the same room! I was a bit proud of the Mom on TV - she made some good comments. And a few silly ones. But it's not easy being on a live TV show.

There are bloggers. And then there are imitators. I am Axel G, King of the Bloggers - but I also have some wiry friends who have taken to the blogosphere with eager abandon. I am very proud of their efforts and enjoy reading what they are up to, so I wanted to alert you to the links on the right hand side of the page that list a few:
Butchy & Snickers Blog -- Theirs is a very new blog and what I like most about it is what they say about ME! Heh heh. What a cute pair those guys are sitting on their perches in the photo on the site.

Bogie Bytes -- Bogie is just a pup. He writes pretty well for a young bloke. I think the name of his blog is very clever - he has a pun on bytes for computer bytes and dog bites! Ingenius!

And don't forget our dear sock eating friend Mackie and his blog - Always a good read!

I think the more wires online, the better! So hop aboard friends. If you don't feel like starting your own blog, you are welcome to guest on mine! Just email me!



Friday, February 24, 2006

BLOG SPECIAL: Guest Blogger: Miss Amelia

Every now and then, I am going to offer my blog as an arena for guest bloggers. Today I am happy to present my beloved Miss Amelia, who has quite the tale to tell us. Here is her delightful contribution:

Hello blog fans. I am Miss Amelia from Marysville, WA.

Last night, while watching the Winter Olympic women's figure skating, dear old dad had this bright idea for curing our winter blues. Dad allowed our family member Pepper (our 13 year old CAT who is my PREY) to relax in front of the toasty fireplace in our family room. Do you honestly think this would brighten my mood?! Well it didn't!!!

I can handle Pepper being in the garage or on the other side of the house behind a tall gate. But not in the family room with me being confined within a four foot exercise pen. I went absolutely BONKERS!

I jumped & howled, & pissed on the family room carpet. And boy did I discover how quick Dad can go BONKERS! It was a bitter-sweet moment. I got so excited when Dad opened the exercise pen thinking I could go paw handle Pepper. But Dad gently snatched me up, and tossed me outside into the fenced back yard at about 11:45 p.m. screaming that I was going to the GLUE FACTORY!

I tried hard to ignore all that Dad was saying about me going to a glue factory! However, fearing Dad was not kidding, I suddenly had a panic attack. I decided to go for a midnight stroll hoping this would help calm me down. I jumped over the four foot fence because I cannot open the gate. Once I was down the street, I could smell cats galore. So off I went on a cat prowl. I was darting back and forth between houses chasing a cat. Suddenly, I heard dear old Dad saying, Miss Amelia where are you? But I ignored my silly Dad!

I finally dazzled & cornered one of the neighborhood cats! However, the cat was not about to let me get near it without spraying me first! And boy did I get sprayed.

I took off and ran past Dad who was still talking about me going to the glue factory. After awhile I was so exhausted that I decided to finally come to my sweet talking Dad, and go home with him. Boy, did Dad get a good whiff of me! HA HA

It was almost 1 a.m. by the time we got home. Dad was tired too, but he felt so sorry for me that he gave me a nice warm bath before tucking me under the covers in bed with him and Mom Chris.

I have no regrets about last night's adventure other than getting sprayed by that ugly cat that took off! Lover Boy Axel if Dad sends me to the glue factory, please boycott all GLUE!

Miss Amelia

Thanks my darling. And never fear, glue factories are for horses (and maybe the occasional pug), not exquisite creatures like you. And were your Dad ever to send you there, I would be on the first concorde to Washington to break you out!


Thursday, February 23, 2006

In Derision of the Pug

I have something to say which might not be too popular. But I am not one to shy away from political incorrectness. So here I go.

I think Pugs are dumb.

Today after work, Mom double parked outside out house, ran inside, told me to get my shit together and off to the dogrun we drove. Yippee! The dogrun is next to the historical Penitentiary, and sometimes I get a bit nervous that if I misbehave, Mom will check me in there for the night amongst the ghosts of Al Capone and others.

Anyway, I digress. At the park today were FOUR pugs of various sizes and colors. They all had squashed in faces and made funny noises through their deviated septums. Just for the hell of it, and because I think they are stupid and ugly, I decided to taunt them and jump on their backs. They seemed to enjoy it, and fought back. At one point, I sort of forgot I was dealing with pugs and got a bit rough, so Mom grabbed me and told me to calm down. Note that noone ever grabs the pug, despite the fact that they yap and snap just as much as me. It's really not fair.

When we drove home, I found a skittle candy under the seat, it was I set about burrowing and digging in the seat in the hope it would uncover some more. No such luck.

I got to go, Dad is putting on his sneakers, which can only mean one thing: time for my WALK!!!


Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Fan Mail and New Marriage Trends

Boy, I sure love fan mail. I got this great email from Shona in Canada this morning:

I just wanted to tell you that I just love Axel's blog! I try and read it each morning to give me a pick-me-up. I have had some great laughs at his antics and really see the similarities in my two terrors (oh I mean terriers, hehe). I must admit I have laughed so hard a few times that I had tears in my eyes and many times I phone my husband to share your writing.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know. Keep up the great work :)

Thanks Shona, I will try, it's just getting awfully difficult to compete with the wedding stuff. I think I need to start tunneling under the computer room door. I try to watch that show on Fox about a jail break for ideas - but I think Mom might notice a big hole in the carpet. What do you think? It's not like I can hang our Wire Fox calendar at the bottom of the door like that bloke did in Shawshank Redemption! But I've gotta find someway to get in there during the day! If I could talk I would tell Mother in no uncertain terms that I have a reputation as Blogger Extraordinaire to protect and she is impeding my work!

I never profess to be the only brilliant terrier. I also had an email from Cindy today telling me about her friend's Jack Russel called Thor. Boy, what a clever little gal: "My friend’s dog named Thor (she’s under 12 lbs)dragged her fleecy bed through the doggie door and placed it in the back yard so she could lie in the sun.
When the sun went down she dragged it back in and placed it just so in her pen!"
Who wouldn't want to sunbathe in the sun? My perch gets the sun in the mornings, that's why I like to hang out there too.

I want to introduce two new girlfriends. First there is Darcy (left) who is 4 1/2 months old, owned by Katy. Isn't she a sweetheart? And then there is Bridget, the snow bunny (right). Help, two more cute wiry bitches to smite me (that being the active from "smitten").

Naturalment when I start thinking about bitches, my beloved Miss Amelia appears before me like a godly apparition with talons. She recently sent me a pic of herself all suited out to avoid hyperthermia. With her is her Dad Phillip and brother Beau. Look at her precious expression as she poses on her red carpet, it is as if she is saying, "look at moi, I am queen of the bitches." Doesn't she look fetching in her winter coat? She is like the Imelda Marcus of the Dog World - she has a closet full of apparel.

Leave it to India to start a new trend - human to canine marriages. It wouldn't fly here, we are still coming to terms with same sex marriages. I think Bush would keel over and die (not necessarily a bad thing - ok, ok, I jest!) . He'd have competition from Barney the first dog - I bet Laura would shack up with Barney quicker than you could say "woof." Anyway, the story reads, "A 7-year-old girl wed a stray dog as part of a ritual to ward off the "evil eye'' on her and her family in eastern India, a news agency reported Wednesday. Friends and family participated in three days of traditional ceremonies and festivities that are part of a Santhal tribal marriage, Munda said, according to the report."

Not a bad thing necessarily I suppose. I'm sure the stray dog would agree - I bet my ball-less scrotum the "3 day ritual" included copious amounts of beef curry!


Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Bastard Son

I'm getting very dizzy - I'm sitting here on my couch and Mom keeps flipping the TV channels between American Idol and the Olympics. American Idol makes my ears hurt, and the Olympics just confounds me. I was watching grown men in skin tight bodysuits racing around in circles, and two people lying on their backs racing in a weird vehicle at a very fast pace. Thank God Dad isn't too focused on either of these - he takes a lot of time out to play with me. We threw squeaky egg all over the house for me to retrieve - and we wrestled with my rope & tire toy. Dad is so much fun!

Dad has a new name for me -- Ax Snacks. He keeps singing "Ax likes snacks" - and I can't argue with that. My Milkbones ran out today and we're down to our last bag of liver treats! I hope Mom and Dad are planning a trip to the Pet Store soon, how am I supposed to survive without snacks?

I'm afraid I don't have much news to report. It was the same old Axel day - lay on my window perch, gazed out the window, did some serious barking and enjoyed many walks with Dad. It's still really cold outside, but I hear it is warming up.

Part of the reason my posts are getting shorter is because it is getting harder and harder for me to get into the computer room during the day! Mom is now putting all her wedding goodies in that room and she closes the door to keep me'd think I was dangerous or something! All her favors are in there, invitations, magazines etc...Boy I can't wait for Mom and Dad to get married already. I'm not a prudish wire, but I think this living in sin business is nothing to be proud of. I don't like being a bastard pup!


Monday, February 20, 2006

Bad Wrap

Today I will keep my blog entry short.

I ask you, is this the face of a wiry delinquent? a criminal canine? an incorrigable bad boy dog worthy of being imprisoned overnight for alleged bad behavior?

I rest my case.


Friday, February 17, 2006

Bad Dog

Well, if the pic doesn't say it all, I'll admit it. I have been a very bad boy. Can I play the instinct card? I don't mean to be bad, it just occurs naturally! It's genetic for god sakes! So why do Mom and Dad have a cow?

This is what happened. Last night, after my late night walk, around 10 PM, Dad took the trash out for collection early Friday. At first, he was careful to secure the door, but when he went out a second time with the recycling, I was overcome by a desire to escape, and out the door I bolted! Now, my wiry pals, I'm sure you'll all agree, that the best night to roam, is trash night! So I ran up the street and went from trash pile to trash pile sampling the tasty delights or having a jolly good sniff. Dad was tired and grouchy. He told me to get in the house. I didnt' hear him. Really. I didn't. I was too mesmerized by the reeking garbage piles. As soon as Dad got close, I barked and ran in the opposite direction.

After about 10 minutes of this fun, Mom emerged in her pjs and slippers to help Dad catch me. Man, playing with both my parents is even more fun. One ran in one direction, the other in the opposite, trying to catch me in the middle - but I am way faster than they are, poor old geezers! Dad's ire was increasing, Mom screamed at me (but I could tell she was amused as usual), and I kept running away...Oh, it was such a fun time.

After at least 40 minutes, I was at the other end of our street, with Dad in pursuit. And then Mom drove up in her car! Woohoo, thought I, we're going for a ride to the dog run? She opened her door and called me in the sweetest voice, "Come on little guy, let's go for a ride!"

I fell for it. Mom is smart. I jumped inside in a state of glee.

"Heh heh," said Mom, "You're caught now bad boy!"

My heart sank. Dad came to the car, put my leash on, and yanked me into the house. Both the parents agreed to put me in prison immediately (damn crate) and that is where I remained for the rest of the night.

But you know was worth it! I'd do it all over again (and probably will) in a nano-second!

But if you think I'm bad - check out these dogs! Their behavior makes me look positively ANGELIC.

Have a great weekend. We're in for a big freeze here. Eek.


Thursday, February 16, 2006

Reflection and Perplexion

I am now typing on Dad's laptop in front of the TV while Mom picks up all my toys that are strewn about the house. I try blog without her knowing...I have the laptop on my perch, so she thinks I'm looking out the window...heh heh. Mom has the Olympic skating on TV. It's kind of boring seeing men in sparkly costumes sliding about. I would like to try skating some time, I wonder if they make skates for dogs. Given my name, I bet I'd excel at triple Axels! The Olympics and the Westminster dog show aren't really all that different - except the dogs don't wear sequins or use their bodies as walking advertising billboards.

Last night I caused great perplexion (is that a word Mom?) in the household. I went upstairs to sleep with Mom, and didn't move a muscle until morning when I jumped on Dad and licked his face to take me out. Now the parents are wondering why I didn't bark as I usually do when I am not in my crate. Haha, I do it on purpose - I think it keeps them young!

Tonight Dad is out at a friend, so I'm alone with Mom. At one point she went upstairs and turned the bath water on. I was a bit surprised, surely not another bath for me! But then Mom got in!! I went beserk - it looked fun and I wanted to swim with Mom! I tried my utmost to jump in, but just couldn't do it. Mom was laughing at me and frankly, taunting me. She threw water in the air and wet my snoot! I got her back when she got out, I grabbed her towel and took off down the stairs!

I read in the paper today that a whippet who was at Westminster escaped out of her crate at JFK airport! An obvious case of fear of flying post 9/11! Poor Vivi, I don't think they found her yet and they called off the search. What a mystery - was she kidnapped? She is reportedly worth over $100,000. Is there a thieves market for whippets? I just hope if she was stolen that she is being treated well. Her poor owner...let's all hope she is found soon. I just hope before she ran away she raided some luggage for a warm winter coat - it's cold in NYC and whippets don't have wiry coats like my breed.

I'm wondering what to do tonite. Should I sleep again without barking to perplex the parents further, or should I risk barking and landing up in the crate? if you ever wondered what goes on in a dog's you know.


Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Wrestling in Poop with Ethel

My very first Valentines day is over. It wasn't really all it was cracked up to be, for me anyway. It's one thing to have a harem of Valentines bitches, it's quite another to never see them in person. I spent my day pining for Miss Amelia, Snickers, Luci and the other gals. I had to make do with pictures and sweet Valentine emails.

Miss Amelia sent me these beautiful pictures of herself in a mauve jumper in the snow:

Snickers sent me this sweet Valentine:

And Luci sent me this one. Pictured with her is her new brother Raisin. I have to lift my paw in salute to dear Luci - Raisin's Mommy is deathly ill, and Luci has been very sweet and welcoming:

Last night I got to watch the Westminster Dog Show all on my lonesome while Mom and Dad celebrated Valentines Day together upstairs with the door closed! I can't understand why I wasn't invited! Anyway, would you believe that Rufus (pictured below left), the funny-looking (just my opinion) bull terrier won Best in Show? He sure looks happy! And Carter (below right), took best of breed for the Wires. What a cute piece of wiry ass (not sure I like my women bearded though)! Man I wish my tail stuck out straight like that.

This afternoon Mom got home before Dad, so she braved the snow and melting mess to take me out. We went to the park where I met a new dog, a bitch called Ethel (what an awful name to saddle a dog with! Makes me picture a geriatric with a bun). Mom made the wee mistake of letting me off leash before she realized that Ethel was quite the runner. She ran and I took off after her until neither Ethel's Mom or my Mom could see us. Mom got a bit panicy. I could hear her call my name, but Ethel was taking me to places previously undiscovered! And Mom should know I always come back. Eventually. Ethel loves to wrestle and she kept pinning me down - one time right on a pile of runny poop. It got all over me and whereever we wrestled, I left poopy tracks. By now Mom was getting pissed 'cos I stank and I refused to come when she called. It was growing dark and she envisaged having to call Dad to help catch me. Anyway, she got me after a while while Ethel had me on my back, and then I got dragged home. And straight upstairs to the bathroom.

UH OH. I suspected an evil plot to put me in the tub. Mom let in some water and took off her sweater. She meant business. At that point, I ran around the bathroom, miraculously eluding her grasp for some time, until she tricked me and grabbed my collar and flung me in the tub. I love water but I don't like bathing. I tried numerous times to escape, soaking Mom in the process. How she managed to wash most of me - I don't know. It usually takes Dad's help, but he wasn't home. Eventually I got the better of Mom and jumped out the bath just as Dad came in. He was pretty impressed that Mom had bathed me by herself. And while he was congratulating her, I ran out, and raced around the house in a wet tizzy, finally settling on the bed to enjoy my warm blow-drying.

I think I forgot to tell you all that I am back to sleeping in my crate! Not my choice I assure you. I go in most unwillingly! Once I'm in there it's like being in a submarine - all sound is blocked out. That is the whole idea said Mom and Dad - it stops me from barking! Bloody hell! These humans do have a brain afterall.

I hear Simon Cowell insulting someone - I gotta go watch my dose of American Idol. I think I can sing better than half the contestants, and I'm certainly more handsome than Simon!


Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Valentines Day

Ain't nothing to do but sit here all day thinking of my darling Valentines as I type my blog...



PS I may have underestimated my Dad. Mom came home to a big heart shaped box of Stover chocolates and a sentimental card. Mom did a jig.
In fact, I think they are both doing a jig now - but I can't be sure 'cos the bedroom door is closed...and it's not polite to sit outside and eavesdrop...

Monday, February 13, 2006

After the (snow) fall...

Did anyone notice the important milestone we reached yesterday? We surpassed 10,000 page views on my blog! And that is not from the first day I went online, I only put the counter on in November, so I'm pretty proud of myself! Now if only some pet industry giant would discover my blog and ask for the privilege of paying me to advertise...hmmmm

Well, when I went out today, I was amazed that the snow was still here...except it had become a bit less fluffy, and more hard and slippery. Dad took me out to play with my pals this morning despite the snow and bitter cold. He is such a trooper. I could have stayed out all day, but after about 45 minutes Dad said I looked like a big icicle, whatever that is, and dragged me home. I then bounded up the stairs and jumped on Mom, who was sleeping in cos she only had to be at work around 10. I was still cold and icy and just wanted to snuggle with her, but Mom jumped up like I'd shot her with some other idiot you may have read about! Mom dragged out the blowdryer, and I sat still like a good boy and let her dry me, cos I sure was cold!

I wanted you to see what our street looked like yesterday, so I took a photo for you:

And here are two more of me:

I just love sticking my long snout into the snow!

Well bitches, tomorrow is Valentines Day. Being a Jewish dog, I'm not meant to take it too seriously - it's really a goyish holiday. But that doesn't really get Dad off the hook, Mom still has expectations. Dad didn't have to work today - so do you think he went out to shop for Mom's gift? Nooooo. Dad is obsessed with keeping his parking spot outside the house, so not only did he NOT go shopping for his loved one, he didn't take her to or from work either...Mom had to bus or rely on the kindness of work coleagues for a ride! I didn't mind - I got to stay home with my favorite buddy! I'm hoping Dad will read this and not forget (he can be pretty forgetful...) to buy Mom something tomorrow! Otherwise there will be hell to pay I'm sure. A bitch can get very sensitive about this sort of commercial crap. Her gifts for him are hidden in a closet where I can't get them!

I have thought long and hard about who to ask to be my valentine. I am afraid I just can't choose (oh forgive me Miss Amelia) - I just love all you bitches so much, that I want you to ALL be my Valentine - trust me, I have enough love to go around!


Sunday, February 12, 2006

Best in SNOW

The world is white and icy. After barking all night again, Dad got tough and put me in my crate. Yuck. No amount of whimpering from me made any difference, so eventually I went to sleep. For 2 hours.

Around 7:30 AM, Mom thought she'd take me out. We could barely get the front door open, the snow was everywhere. It was AMAZING. Man I love the stuff! I pretended to be a canine plow, buried my snout in the snow and just raced ahead. Mom was laughing her head off in between warning me to slow down. At other points, I became a rabbit and hopped to go forward becos the snow was that deep! I was so excited I totally forgot to poop and pee! Here are some photos of me:

After drying off - i.e. me running around the living room in a beserk tizzie - I had a warm breakfast of eggs, and returned to my perch. I can not see a darn thing out the window - wish Dad would get off his ass and clean it from the outside for me!


Saturday, February 11, 2006

Waiting for the Storm...

It's Saturday afternoon and I'm just gettling off my perch for a few minutes to write and tell you that big, wet snowflakes are falling on my street. I don't recall it asking my permission, but there isn't a darn thing I can do about it. I do like watching it fall, but I need to be super alert in case it tries to infiltrate the house! Dad just went to bring the tools out his truck and I took the opportunity to bust out the house! Oh joy! Oh fun! I ran around in the snow, barking at Dad who I think was trying to tell me to get back in. Then out came Mom who was still in her PJ's, followed by a neighbor, and I had all three of them trying to catch me. It was such a blast! Finally Dad cornered me, or thought he did - I like to make him think he's clever - in reality, I started to get cold, so I just stopped playing. They dragged me into the house, muttering "bad dog," "%$#^ing maniac wire" and other such things.

Mom's big event was cancelled becos as much as 8-12 inches is expected. I'm thrilled, now I can see more of her. She is not so happy 'cos she worked hard on the event. Don't worry Mom, it will be rescheduled, you'll get to work a Sunday!

Last night I diligently barked all night. Dad got about 3 hours sleep but Mom slept right on through it. Dad does look a bit bleary eyed this morning. It is very nice of him to sit up with me, don't you think? Mom took me out for my early morning walk this morning cos Dad was dead to the world. I saw my mate Bailey and we had great one on one fun without being bothered by the hyperactive Elvis and Ohren who enjoy slamming into us. Bailey has the shoulder bruise to prove it. We also got to play with our friend Lila who looks like a red fox, and boy does she love to run. She's not into wrestling!

Did I tell you Mom fell down our front stairs yesterday? She kind of missed her footing as I dragged her out the door, but I swear it wasn't MY fault. Mom sat and cried a bit on the step, but then hero that she is, got up and still took me to the dogrun. Lots of dogs were there - 2 black labs, a very barky basset, a pug pup, and an airdale who took a shine to me and kept running me over and trying to mount me! It got a bit scary so I ran to Mom who told the airdale's owner to control his over zealous terrier. You go Mom!

Well, gotta get to my perch and watch the snow...


PS Snow pics to come tomorrow!!!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Swimming in Winter?

Boy, I got lucky tonite. No, not with a bitch, not that lucky. Mom and Dad came home from work at the same time for a change so they BOTH took me for a long walk. I love it when they both take me, double the fun! We only saw one dog, but her owner picked her up quicker than you could say "woof" - I swear you'd think I was some scary looking dinosaur or something. The owner explained to my folks that their dog had been attacked recently and was a scaredly cat and prone to be agressive. Whatever.

So it's gone really cold again here in Philly, and guess what the weather man is saying - Big Snowstorm possible this weekend! Woohoo! Mom is pretty upset, cos she's been working her little butt off at work organizing her organization's biggest fundraising event of the year - and her luck - it's this Sunday. They are counting on many volunteers to come to 7 different locations...and if there is bad weather, well, they're pretty screwed! In my humble opinion she's screwed anyway - working ALL day Sunday! That sucks anyway you look at it. Mom will deny it of course...all this banter about it being for a great cause yada yada yada. Whatever.

I'm very confused. Today my mate Doodles (left) sent me these pictures of him SWIMMING with Jasper and Harley! Doodles lives in Sussex in England! Last time I looked at the atlas, Sussex was in the same hemisphere as us - so how come Doodles is swimming and we're skating on ice? I don't get it! And in England of all places - I must be misinformed - I thought England was always cold, rainy and dreary! Doodles, I need an explanation please! I have a feeling my pal Luci wants to know too - her pool is covered over for the winter (not that it stops her from trying to swim!) And hey bud, what is that contraption you're in? a floating device? Looks like swimming angel wings.

I had a tearful note from Miss Amelia today to tell me that her Mom Alexandra (the very same girl who we saw perched atop the Church bulletin board cheering the SeaHawks on) is not well. She has been at the vets since yesterday. If I can ask everyone who is reading this now, to please close your eyes after you read my blog and say a little prayer for her, I know it would go along way! Thank you.

I just spied a pencil in my reach, I must go now and grab it before Mom confiscates it. Ah, another wooden object to chew....heh heh.


Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Proof is in the Papers

Some humans think they are sooo clever, and that we canines are soooo stupid. Well, upon reading the newspaper today, I was struck by two stories that supported the notion that we are highly intelligent creatures.

Take Belle the beagle from Florida (a state noted I might add, for it's dirge of intellectualism). "The well-trained beagle used his owner's cell phone to alert authorities something was wrong. Belle used her teeth to speed dial 9-1-1. The beagle is a dog trained to sniff out seizures. With a sense of smell 500 times greater than her owner, that's how Belle knew Tuesday morning her master was in serious trouble."

Now you all know I love to eat Mom's cellphone, but it would never occur to me to actually USE the phone to dial for help should anything happen (God Forbid) to Mom or Dad. And I can sniff out mice, poop and treats...but seizures, not a clue. I'm not saying that I am not gifted - the capacity is in me, I just need some high class education.

If Belle is not impressive enough, meet Max, a Staffordshire bull terrier from Holland. "The 7-year-old black and white dog has a penchant for travelling solo on the trundling trams, and has travelled several times without a ticket."
How cool is that? Free travel! We have a train that goes past our house - but it makes such a noise and travels so fast, I'm not sure how I'd jump on or for that matter, where I would land up!

So I reckon I'll just stay home for now. Life is enough of an adventure just living with Mom and Dad.


Tuesday, February 07, 2006

A Gift from My Love

Boy are my blog fans in luck today! A double blog edition! And for this post, you can thank my dear Miss Amelia!

When Mom got home from work, there was a knock at the door. I was already on my perch monitoring the goings on outside (see below) - when I spied the Fedex man. I like the Fedex man, as opposed to the mailman - 'cos he often brings me gifts!

When Mom came in and I saw the box, I could smell my Miss Amelia and I knew instinctively that it was from her! Quick as a flash, I did a jig.
Then I followed Mom to the kitchen to get the cutting knife and back to the couch for the official gift opening! As soon as the box was open, I stuck my snout inside to see what she'd sent!

Inside was this awesome green and purple plush tug-o-war toy that makes a noise when you shake it! I love it! (How I wish Miss Amelia was on the other end to play with me. *sigh*)

Which is more than I can say for the box of Frontline...I can't eat or chew it...I guess Miss Amelia wants her lover to be germ free and healthy? For goodness sakes Miss Amelia, don't you remember that it's me? I eat condoms for good measure! Well, the Frontline was a tad boring...although Mom and Dad were very impressed. What impressed me was the big bag of treats! I jumped about until Mom opened the bag and let me sample a few. They were delish!

Thank you my darling Miss Amelia. I will accept this as an early Valentine gift.
You will be my Valentine, won't you? (Please don't tell Luci, Gracie, Daisy or the other bitches...)


Post Game Blog

I know you are all thinking I'm a lazy ol' bugger for not blogging after the SuperBowl, but I'll have you know, that last night while Mom was soaking in the tub (her only refuge from yours truly), I snuck into the computer room and wrote a long and rather hilarious blog post. How was I to know that Blogger was doing maintenance work...I clicked publish and wham! Lost it all. I felt like tearing my hair out in the agony of it - but I do not self strip, I leave that to Mom. So here I go, trying to re-concoct a fine piece of writing...

I for one am mighty relieved that the Super Bowl is over. That Battle of the Bitches, frankly, made me rather uptight. I like bitches fighting over ME, not oversized humans in shoulderpads and sleek leggings. And to be honest, I sort of slipped into a coma three minutes into the game...

I awoke with a heck of a start to see that old git Mick Jagger wiggling his osteoporotic hips on stage in the half time show. It's one thing creating a fuss over seeing Janet Jackson's right boobie on stage, I think it is far more irresponsible of the networks to allow a group of elderly, decrepit has-beens into our living rooms. I tell you I nearly had a stroke when I saw Jagger's scary looking visage. The Rolling Stones should be hidden away in some elder facility crocheting antimacassars, not prancing about on stage where they might just break a hip!

Anyway, after my initial shock, I managed to slip back into my sleep until I was awakened by a very far off shriek of joy emanating from Daisy and Coco. It was then that I knew the Steelers had won. My immediate concern was for poor Miss Amelia. I worried that the defeat of her beloved Sea Hawks might be too much for her frail heart, I couldn't bear the though of her on Zoloft for the rest of her life, battling the slings of hideous depression.

As proof of our spiritual bond, our house phone rang at the ungodly hour of 11:30 PM (someone forgot there was a time difference between coasts!). And would you know, it was Amelia's Daddy calling to allay my fears. The brave Amelia was taking the loss in her stride and had not clawed out anyones eyes (yet). The relief was tremendous! Poor Mom could hardly hear a word that Amelia's Daddy said because I had chewed the phone antenna. Eek.

Speaking of phones, on Sunday Mom and Dad came home with 2 brand new cellphones for me! They were in bright red boxes bearing the name Verizon. And they were in enticing chewy leather cases. For some reason that I cannot fathom, they keep placing them on the top of the bookshelf where clearly they realize I cannot get to them. All very confusing.


Saturday, February 04, 2006

The Eve of the Mighty Bowl

Bzzzzz Bzzzz - I am a Wire on a Buzz my friends! I'm a Wire on Fire. A Dog in a Fog. A Manic Caninic. I exceeded all bounds of naughtiness today. I managed to open Mom's purse when she was napping and boy did I hit the jackpot! A chocolate caramel pecan brownie! Just lying there in plastic casing with my name written all over it. After I polished that off, I ate Mom's lipstick and half her black eyeliner - but their taste paled in comparison to the brownie.

Mom had a cadenza when she came downstairs. I've never heard her yell like that before. I had to take cover under the table - she was that postal! By that time, the brownie was in my tum and the sugar buzz had begun, so although I wanted to be good, I just couldn't be! Suffice as to say (I'll spare you all the Mommy Dearest moments), I was bad and Mom was MAD!

Poor deluded Mom thought a walk would calm me down. Well, I was taking a poop when the turd got Mom in all her goodness, kneeled down, hand in poop bag to help extricate the poop from my bum. I don't dig having a hand near my rear end, so I bolted, forgetting Mom was tethered to me. She kind of landed on her belly, in the mud, scraped knees and all. It's a good thing we dogs laugh internally 'cos Mom was now livid - the accumulation of the days events I guess. I've never seen her so glad to see Dad when he walked through the door. I believe she said, "Here, take him, or I'm going to stangle the bugger."

Anyway, on to more imporant things, tomorrow is the Superbowl. As predicted, Daisy did offer a comeback to Alexandra's awesome display of SeaHawk fandom. Here she is decked out head to paw in Steeler gear:

Nice try Daisy!

But the ever clever Savage gals, Alexandra and Miss Amelia, have recruited CoCo, son of Pat, to their pro SeaHawks team. The lengths these girls will go! Check out CoCo's Seahawk hat and jumper! The hat makes you look a bit dorkish mate...CoCo wrote to me that, "We have been invited to a Super Bowl overnight party. I'm pretty excited as I will get to play with my brother Jake. We have to get busy now and make him a jumper to wear. I'm also bringing the Bloody Mary's whatever that is." A party! Lucky you dude - any bitches invited? Could Bloody Mary be a bitch? She doesn't sound too attractive - much as I dig the reek of a bitch on heat, I think I'd pass on this one. Why don't you invite Alexandra and Miss Amelia instead?

So I're all waiting for my prediction. My prediction, alas, is that if I don't back the SeaHawks, Miss Amelia will rip my heart out with those talons of hers. I know, I sound like a bitch-whipped wuss...but what can a guy do? Miss Amelia's prediction is SeaHawks 27; Steelers 20. I'll go one better. SeaHawks 36; Steelers -15.

Ok, I can't type anymore, this buzz is killing me. I gotta run downstairs and cause more havoc! Good luck everyone - May the best team win.
Miss Amelia's team that is.


Friday, February 03, 2006

An Expensive Bath

Boy, the battle of the bitches is reaching fever pitch! Just when we thought Daisy had proven her ardor and belief in the Steelers, along comes Alexandra with this piece of fandom:

I have to wonder how she got up there, I suspect Daddy Phillip threw her on top of the church sign in a Seahawk cheer! Here dear readers we see the epitome of America in the flesh: Sports and Religion - the fuel that drives the nation. Let's face it, with the current fuel prices, what else is going to do the job?

I wonder what counterstrike Daisy will engineer. Hmm, perhaps herself donned in a Papal Steelers robe? Daisy standing in Mecca in full Steelers regalia. (Maybe not, I'd hate her to get crushed in one of those Hajjs). Drape the Western Wall in a Steeler's Dirty Towel (bordering on sacreligious!) ?She has but one day to come up with her rebuttal, or I fear the Seahawks with Alexandra and Miss Amelia cheering them on, might just take the Bowl!

Speaking of Bowls - I had a request from Mackie to add another tasty treat to my SuperBowl Extra Large - a few chewable socks. You got it buddy! And I know you never asked, but because I dig you and your blog - I'm even going to throw in a dead squirrel, a real stinky one like the one your Dad confiscated last year. I'm such a generous fella, that I'm even going to share my Bowl with you!

I have a new friend to introduce who cares more for golf than for football, at least that is what he tells me. "My name's Bogie because we live on a golf course in NW Illinois." Not sure I get the connection. I think Golf would be second on my most boring sport list after football. Grown men whacking defenseless balls into sand and water and holes? And all that walking and shlepping in between. And they call it a sport?

Anyway, Bogie is 6 months old, and also had his own balls whacked off recently. He also had his first "stripping" session. Poor guy, stripping can be a bit painful, but I love it when Mom rakes me with the stripping tool and pulls out bundles of my hair (and then I try to eat it!) Welcome aboard Bogie man! The pic on the left is Bogie post strip, and on the right, Bogie as a wee pup.

I can hear Mom shaking the box of matches - that is my cue to run down stairs and partake in the lighting of the shabbat candles. But before I go, I wanted to tell you Mom got me washed professionally today 'cos this morning I rolled in mud, and Mom couldn't face washing me alone - so off I went rather begrudgingly. I came out smelling glorious and looking so wonderful, some lady mistook me for a SCOTTISH terrier. She must have been blind of loony! Mom laughed right in her face! That was after wincing at the grooming bill - $36 for a wash! Mom pays less for her own wash AND haircut. I have a feeling I won't be going back there again. Heh heh.


Thursday, February 02, 2006

It's All in the Timing

Well it seems that I really started something with the "Battle of the Bitches". As if to prove the Steeler's predominance, Daisy went beserk and sent me these pics of her in various Steeler's gear, in front of the TV and on her Steeler's dogbed. When Mom was perusing the pics, she sighed thankfully that the Eagles had had such an abominable season this year! At least she saved money on merchandise for me!

Speaking of bitches, I'm not sure Luci gives a shit about the Superbowl, she is more concerned about her good looks. A few days ago she got groomed. How lucky is she, her groomer lady comes to her HOUSE, bathes her and clips her. No horrid visits to the groomers amongst all the riff raff of the canine world. Doesn't she look cute?

I read a revolting article today in the New York Times about Colombian drug smugglers who sewed pouches of heroin into the belly's of innocent golden retriever puppies hoping to ship them to the USA and thus get the drugs through customs. What kind of sick, evil people would do this to a bunch of sweet little puppies? Thankfully the authorities busted the ring and saved all but 3 of the pups who died from infection to their stomach wounds. Reminds me of Mengele experiments at Auschwitz when he would sew live animals into human stomachs to see how quickly they would be eaten alive from the inside...

Ok, this is getting too heavy. I just can't help it, stuff like that shakes me to my wiry core!

By the way, today is Groundhog Day. I tried to Google it, but I still can't fully comprehend what it is all about. How could a silly creature that looks like a rat escapee from an obesity clinic tell how close Spring is? I've never heard of gifted vermin? And what a name he has, I'm glad I can't talk, 'cos I sure as hell would not be able to pronounce Punxsutawney Phil. Only Phil I can handle is Dr. Phil or Amelia's daddy Phillip!

Mom sat me down and told me that I was to be a good boy for a few hours every evening because she was going to finally sit down and start to write her "book". I gave her a vacant stare as she explained that her dream was to write a book, be "discovered" and featured on Oprah. It was one of those awkward moments really, where I wish I could have spoken or at least laughed out loud! Mom has wanted to write her book for about 15 years, and now 4 months from her wedding, she tells me in earnest that NOW she is going to write it. Now that is what I call GREAT timing! All she'll tell me about the secret project (well secret no more since I just blogged it to my million fans) is the title: Confessions of a Human Toothpick (in the midst of a Revolution).

Oh and speaking of toothpicks, my Grandad Abe in SA will be pleased to hear that both Mom and I floss our teeth every night! Mom does hers first and then she stretches the floss over my mouth and moves it between my teeth. It tickles, but I love the fresh minty taste!


Wednesday, February 01, 2006


So I guess everyone is in a tizzy about the Superbowl this Sunday! Our house is not in a football frenzy - though we are in a perpetual Foxie Frenzy..heh heh. I like to keep things exciting! Dad is (Mom says, Thank God) not a great sports enthusiast and Mom being from a Colonialist Empire - is fond of soccer and cricket, and doesn't even understand how football works. To quote her recently, "I just don't see the bloody point of overweight men in shoulderpads, bashing into eachother, running 5 inches and then stopping? I mean what sort of a stupid bloody sport is that? Stop, start. Stop, start. What a complete bore!"

Mom doesn't mince her words you notice. When Dad does watch the odd game, she huffs and puffs that he is hogging the TV, and goes ballistic when the TV says there are 3 minutes left of the 4th quarter but it invariably takes 3 hours for the game to end!

So in my household, noone gives a hoot whether the Steelers or the SeaHawks win on Sunday. Secretly, I don't care either...but I have to pretend to be a SeaHawks fan to stay in Miss Amelia's good books. You see she and her mom Alexandra are natives of Washington State, and therefore huge SeaHawks fans. Nearer to home, my other bitchy pal Daisy, is a big Steelers fan. So you see my dilemma...I have to feign support for both teams, but because I am petrified of Miss Amelia's long nails, I am rooting more for her team! Nothing like the fear of having your eyes ripped out to keep you cheering! So let the battle of the bitches begin! Here are Daisy and Alexandra in their team helmets (looking rather sexy I might add!). Amelia refused to don a helmet lest it mess up her hair.

Now, dear reader, you may ask, "Axel, what is your dream outcome for the Super Bowl? How do you envisage it in your dreams?" Well friends, allow this picture I put together to sum it all up for me:

Now THAT dear friends, is what I call a SUPER BOWL!
Bring it on!