Tuesday, January 24, 2006

A Wire's Defense

Well I never. Can you believe this? My very own Mother, my flesh and blood...oh hang on...that's not exactly true, is it? But you get my drift don't you? My own Mother has hacked into my blog, stolen my password, and made a mockery of me on my own blog? I am one livid Wire. I am never going to speak to her again. Oh shit, there we go again. I can't speak. Damn.

Anyway, I have a defense for each allegation - in fact just this morning I emailed Alan Dershowitz for his legal opinion. He told me I had a very good case!

1. Regarding the cellphone: Mom left it lying on MY couch with some wire attached to it. Doesn't she know Wire Fox Law #284: Any object residing in my domain, is MINE, and I can do what I want with it. The phone was in my territory, and I acted accordingly. Besides, I knew you and Dad were looking into a family plan with new phones anyway...

2. Regarding the barking allegations. Duh. I'm a dog. I bark. And hear this Mom. Dogs hear noises up to 45 kHz, while humans only hear sounds up to about 23 kHz. So you may think I'm barking for no reason, but trust me, there are evil things outside that I can hear and you can't! I am barking to tell them to not come in and harm US! You should be bloody grateful that I bark and shower me with liver treats!

3. Regarding jumping on the coffee table. What can I say? I don't really dig being so small...I like to be able to look into your eyes sometimes Mom and Dad and see what is going on there. When I stand on the coffee table, I am at the perfect level to see you while you are watching TV. And as for grabbing stuff off that table...well, I'm really just helping you to clean up. Empty Coke bottles and napkins shouldn't be there in the first place. Mom, you are not the greatest housekeeper, even Dad says so. And the fact that you grew up in South Africa with servants is becoming a rather pathetic excuse!

4. Regarding table surfing and "stealing" stuff like hats, gloves, bills and wallets. Listen here. I can't talk. Right? So how would you like me to tell you that I need to go out for a piss or a poop. I take your hats and gloves as my way of communicating, "put these damn things on NOW, I need to go out!" Is it my fault if you don't get it? Do you know what it's like trying to hold in a poop? It's not pleasant. So try be a bit more sensitive to my gentle hints! And as for bills and wallets - well, um...I was just reminding Dad that his Capitol One bill was almost due - if I shred it he will be forced to go online to look at his due date! And as for your wallet Mom, I guess I mistook your greens for greenies. My mistake. Mea culpa.

5. And finally, regarding burying my bones in MY couch while Dad happens to be stretched out thereon...see #1!

I rest my case. I sick of us Wires being labelled as terrierists and manic lunatics. There is method to all our "assumed" madness. It's the humans that have the problem.

Feeling extremely vindicated and smug!