Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Evil Collar

Well my new collar arrived on the weekend. And it is evil and possessed. I loathe it. It is black and has a little box attached, and attached to that are these two pointy probes that face into my neck, so when the collar is on me, I can feel those wretched little things digging into my neck. So they put it on me on Friday night after I spent some time barking at the passing foot traffic. When I opened my mouth to bark again, I felt this tremendous surge go through my little wiry body, and I think I jumped a foot off the ground and let out an all mighty screech!

What the $%#@?

Mom buried her head in the couch and said quote, "I can't bear it." Dad didn't look too happy either, but said stoically that we didn't have a choice since Rex the neighbor had complained. I took a while to recover from my ordeal, and spent the next 15 minutes buried in Mom's lap. I
didn't bark again.

Mom and Dad only put the evil collar on when I start barking, and I think I have only been shocked about 3 times in all. I'm not stupid - I know my barking causes the horrid reaction, so when that thing is round my neck, I will only growl very menacingly!

On Saturday, perhaps out of some guilt, Mom and Dad also went to Petco and came home with 5 big rawhide bones for me, and a new carton of Dingos and a big box of MilkBones. Of course I only get the treats meted out gradually, but Dad has a new trick of leaving a few Milkbones for me on a shelf I can reach, and he tells me to help myself when I feel like a snack. The truth is they bought the mixed flavor assortment, and I prefer the regular ones...the green vegie flavored ones in particular are YUCK! I won't eat those!

So you'll be happy to hear that I pooped out that condom I swallowed on Friday when on a walk in the park with Mom. I was at the dog park on Sunday when out it came. Mom was so pleased, she pointed to me and said loudly to the other dog owners, "Look, my dog is pooping out a condom." To say the crowd looked horrified is quite the understatement. They probably think my parents are sexual degenerates who leave their condoms around the house! The weird thing was, I have not ceased to poop condoms the last few days. Dad and Mom are both amazed and mystified as they thought I'd only eaten one. I eat so much crap on my walks, I truly can't
recall how many I ate...but they just keep coming out my bum!

In about 3 weeks is another Jewish holiday. Again the enemies of the Jews, this time the Egyptians, tried to kill them but did not
succeed, thanks to G-d splitting the Red Sea to let them escape. Cool trick huh? Anyway, Mom has decided to clean the kitchen in honor of the festival where you are supposed to dispose of anything that contains
yeast...but really is just about everything the Rabbis decide constitutes what is called chametz. Mom thinks it is a lot of nonsense but still likes to clean. Over in WA, my cute bitch friend Amelia has been supervising as her Dad Phillip does his spring cleaning. Check her out testing the cleanliness of their oven!

And speaking of Miss Amelia, Mom just got home to find her very first wedding gift waiting by the door...6 beautiful wine glasses given by, you guessed, the amazing and generous and thoughtful Savage family - Phillip, Chris and the girls. Mom and Dad were both deeply touched. As they should be! Now I want to know this - where is my present? Just kidding...

AGC

1 comment:

Bogie said...

Hey Axel,
My collar sounds just like your collar only mine's supposed to keep me in the yard. I think I've been shocked three times, too, but I don't really connect the collar with the shock, in my case. I'm always happy to get it put on because it means I get to go outside by myself. I hate the evil flags that march around my yard, though.

Your buddy,
Bogie